Coca Cola and Alien
In honor of 7/11, it’s free Slurpee day at 7-11! Ordinarily, I would have had no interest in this event at all, but yesterday I cashed in my final jar of loose change at a CoinStar machine. It came to $46. So basically, $46 has to last me the rest of my life until I get a job, and I can’t afford to turn my nose up at free sugared slush. Besides, would you believe it, I’ve never had a Slurpee before! How can someone go through their entire life without tasting one of the staples of suburban childhood? It had something to do with Brendan Frazer “wheezing the juice,” or sticking his mouth under the Slurpee nozzle, in a terrible movie from the 90s called Encino Man. If you never saw this movie, forget I mentioned it. If you choose to add it to your Netflix queue, I bear no responsibility for your disgust.
Anyway, I waited in a long line behind a group of preteens who did not look to be above wheezing the juice. I figured I would stick with cherry, a pretty safe choice considering there was a limited-edition Alien flavor created especially for the burb rats repeatedly hip-checking each other into the beef jerky display. By the time it was my turn, horror of horrors, the little bastards had used up all the free cups. So I was forced to upgrade. I tentatively selected a cup and stuck it under the cherry nozzle. But instead of a thick icy stream, I got warm red liquid. I was just going to go along with it, but then I couldn’t get the lid to stay on my cup. Red crap sloshed everywhere as the sticky lid popped off into my hand repeatedly.
Enter Slurpee troubleshooter. An intelligent man who probably has a degree from IITB in, like, computer troubleshooting, he works all day in his dad’s 7-11 keeping the Slurpee machines from clogging up and preventing deviant children from stealing all the straws. Slowly and patiently, he explained that you have to affix the domed plastic lid onto your cup before you proceed to fill it with frosty goo in colors insulting to nature. Hence, the hole the size of a Slurpee nozzle on the top of the lid. Ah. He kindly allowed me to throw my sticky cup away and start fresh.
There really was something wrong with the cherry, though. “But Alien looks okay,” the Slurpee tech said, pulling the lever to test it. Yup, Alien was ok. And because I was put on the spot, I allowed him to fill the cup with a blue substance the same shade as the carpet cleaner I use when my dog throws up. What’s more, I made myself say, “mmmmmm,” like I was looking forward to it.
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